Throw in the towel ?

Sometimes a person is faced with a road block. I’ve heard many testimonies of people who’ve got stuck with their ministries and they couldn’t move forward. In all cases , I heard that the people had decided to give it to God. And God made it work in the old end.

I think I too have reached this stage. When I pictured this ministry in the new age of the internet , I think many people pictured something similar. There are tons of sites where you can see good news. What makes this one so special ?

I was advised this week , because of the situation I find myself in that perhaps it’s better not to kick the door open on something that could cause a draft because the door that should have opened would be open at the same time that the door I want to kick open would be.

What am I saying ? I am a dreamer . I have always been a dreamer. I remember one time I went to the local fair , show , where all the rides are .. and I went into a ghost house and experienced it. I came home and decided to build one out of card board. I just had this ghost house in my mind the whole time . I couldn’t get it out of my mind. So I thought of globes and cotton wool. Paper clips and card board cut outs of ghosts and little cars that drive on little rails into and out of the house. I got onto the bus and told a friend of mine. He actually ordered one and wanted to know when it would be done. I landed up lying to the poor guy about it for weeks. Eventually I couldn’t face the guy.

And then there’s the many times I’ve designed a sports car in my mind. I’ve researched it and tried to cut corners and just create the perfect sports car that people could build at home. Something that could take off and become a cult like activity.

And , now there is this.. only difference is .. I’ve actually created a multi site. I dreamed up a TV station and thought it would operate like a light house in the dark , only broadcasting good news. I told someone about it and forgot about it because it’s just too darn expensive to do. Where the revenue of the station would be used to create good news as well. I wouldn’t have done anything about it until someone came up to me at a prophetic meeting and handed me a light house. 

It’s the lighthouse that you see in the framed picture on the wall. Silly me. What was I thinking ? I thought God actually wanted me to build him a lighthouse TV station . I decided to use blogging after seeing a friend of mine who had started his own blog. To date I think he has had something over 120 000 hits on his blog. Mine has had far fewer .. Anyway.. I had this vision where I could create a family of blogs , one for each city in the world. And I did.. I can actually create a new blog for every city in the whole world. And it would be connected to twitter and facebook and the main site

I have been challenged by everything lately. My dad passed away and he my mom and I were part of a unit that enabled me to get this done. He’s gone now and my mom needs more of my attention and I am looking at my creation and I can’t carry it forward.

Perhaps I am like David who got the plans for the temple but his son Solomon built it. Perhaps all I’ve received from the Lord are the plans. I can’t build it. I am finished. I don’t know why God gave me the picture of the lighthouse. Perhaps it’s all fluke. Nice fluke though. I’ve spent 160 000 $ of my time working on this.

It’s not about receiving money to continue with the work. It’s about the spiritual atmosphere I find myself in. It all seems so damn depressing when you chip away at something and you envision yourself in a leadership role and now being relegated to taking orders again.

Perhaps I am like Joseph waiting for someone in authority to notice him and give him a break . I’ve been to hell and back more times than one to be able to get to this point. I just feel that the God of the bible is missing from my being. And until I get Him back into my life so that I don’t care about this network as much as I care about Him , it’ll never work. I think God chose someone who doesn’t get it , if at all God has chosen me.

I am 46 years old , I’ve wasted my whole life thinking about the world , it’s problems , it’s people , God.. and everything and I can’t find a way forward other than being in Christ. But it seems to me ‘ Christ ‘ like people are few and far between.

I’ve been laughed at and shown very little interest in what I’ve created here. People are not interested in winning. They’re more interested in talking about lofty ideals of being close to Israel and other ideas. They’re not interested in winning this war. And we’re in a war. Make no mistake. I think people who love God have missed the whole point. Talking about God and representing God is good news. But when they start with ‘ if my people , who are called by my name , will humble themselves , turn to me .. I will heal their land ‘ they’ve created an air of religion that no body understands . Firstly , if you are His People .. you’ve already humbled yourself and turned to God. It doesn’t help to further confuse people that they still have to humble themselves and turn to God. Secondly , if you are His People , you’ve already turned to God. Stop making life so damn difficult ! Who wants a difficult life ! ? We’ll never change the world for Jesus because we’ve not allowed Jesus to change our minds about who we are. And it’s simple.. Only believe in His unconditional love for you and accept it.. Then hopefully you’ll have some good news to share . And that’s what this network is for.

I’ve been laughed at by people I’ve shared this vision with. They came across as someone that believes in the vision but then laugh at me. Why ? Why ? what have I done to you ? eh ? I am confused.

I am calling all believers to stop believing bad news and start confessing good news . That’s what I built this network for.

I am very close to switching it off. First I’ll record it and make sure I’ve documented it… so at least when someone asks me ‘ what did you do for 8 years of your life  ? ‘ I’d have something to show. It was very hard to do this and I used up every bit of grace I had going for me.

I am going to rest and see what God does. If this is from God , He’ll make a way for it to work. If not.. the switch is going and this network will die. He will never die and he doesn’t need my network to get His purposes fulfilled. I just thought I was being obedient.


%d bloggers like this: